Unframing the Past

Have We Framed People on the Wall ?

“Oh, you have grown up so fast! Look how tall you have become!”

We often say this when we meet someone’s children after many years. We remember the little boy who was running around the house or the little girl who was barely tall enough to reach the table. Now, suddenly, they are grown-ups. We can hardly believe our eyes.

“Children grow up so fast!” we exclaim.

Strangely, other people’s children seem to grow faster than our own. We see our children every day, watching them move from one stage to another. Their growth seems natural and gradual. With other children, we carry an old picture in our minds. When we meet them again, the difference surprises us.

Perhaps this is how we see more than just children.

We take a mental picture of people on a particular day and frame it on the wall of our minds. We label them according to what we know about them: their abilities, weaknesses, appearance, performance, position, and limitations. Then we preserve that picture for years, sometimes for a lifetime.

The trouble begins when the person changes, but our picture does not.

Of course, we have no such difficulty with our own children. We want them to grow, achieve, become successful, and even go further in life than we ever did. When our children become accomplished professionals, travel to distant countries, gain recognition, or reach positions we could only dream of, we are overjoyed. We proudly tell others about their achievements.

Some parents, however, seem to find an opportunity to talk about their children in almost every conversation.

“My son is working in this country. His wife is in another country. Their children are studying there. He has achieved this, and she has accomplished that.”

Before long, an ordinary conversation becomes a presentation of the family’s achievements. The listener may not have asked, but the story continues.

Perhaps it comes from a parent's natural pride and love. Sometimes, however, it may also be an attempt to affirm one's own worth through the achievements of one's children. When we are not sufficiently secure in our own identity, we may feel the need to keep reminding others of who we are through the success of our families.

There is nothing wrong with celebrating our children. The question is whether we can celebrate them without making every conversation about them. Even good news, repeated at every opportunity, can become tiring to those who have come to share a conversation, not attend a family achievement report.

There is another side to this habit of framing people in our minds.

A teacher remembers a student who was once an ordinary boy in the classroom. Perhaps he was not particularly brilliant, rarely answered questions, or struggled with his studies. Twenty years later, that student becomes a successful entrepreneur, a respected professional, or an influential leader.

You would expect the teacher to feel proud. Many teachers do. But some may respond with surprise mixed with reluctance.

“He was never that talented when he was my student. I don't know how he has become so successful!”

Think about it. The student has had twenty years to learn, experiment, fail, improve, and discover his abilities. But the teacher's mental picture has not moved an inch.

We know a person's past so well that we mistakenly believe we know their limits.

This happens among former colleagues, friends, relatives, and people who once worked with us. We may have known someone thirty years ago, and we continue to judge that person by the same old standards. When they develop new skills, move into a different field, or achieve something beyond our expectations, we struggle to update our opinion.

Sometimes, when someone performs better than us or moves from one organisation to another in search of new opportunities, we are quick to find a weakness.

“He never stays anywhere. He is not committed to anything.”

Perhaps that person really is unreliable. Or perhaps they are learning, growing, and exploring opportunities that we have never considered. We may not know enough about their circumstances to make a fair judgment, but our old picture is already ready with its labels.

When people no longer fit the image we have of them, we sometimes try to reduce the person rather than enlarge the picture.

Not every change is progress, of course. People can make mistakes, and fair criticism has its place. But there is a difference between exercising discernment and refusing to recognise that another person has grown.

People are not photographs. They are living stories. They learn, fail, recover, discover their abilities, and sometimes become people we never imagined they could be.

Let us, therefore, be more generous in the way we see others. Let us allow people to grow in our minds just as they are growing in real life. We do not have to exaggerate their achievements or approve of everything they do. We simply need to recognise that our knowledge of them may be incomplete and our old impressions may no longer be accurate.

The next time we meet someone after many years, perhaps we should look at them with fresh eyes.

And before we criticise someone, let us ask ourselves a simple question: Have we invested even thirty minutes or an hour in that person's life recently? Have we taken the trouble to understand their circumstances, listen to their story, or discover what they have been through? If we have not, perhaps we should be a little slower to judge.

We may have known them once. That does not mean we know them fully today.

Seeing Beyond the Surface

This habit of preserving static mental pictures stands in sharp contrast to how God sees us. Scripture reminds us: "Do not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment" (John 7:24). Human nature naturally focuses on the outward surface—past mistakes, old roles, and physical limitations—but "the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7).

When we hold people to outdated frames, we view them strictly "according to the flesh" (2 Corinthians 5:16). True discernment requires seeing beyond these external surfaces. As we are renewed into the image of God, we begin to reflect His vision: looking past labels, recognizing inner potential, and allowing others the grace to grow into who God is calling them to be.

Let us stop framing people in the past and give them room to grow in our minds.