Have We Framed People on the Wall ?
“Oh, you have grown up so fast! Look how tall you have become!”
We often say this when we meet someone’s children after
many years. We remember the little boy who was running around the house or the
little girl who was barely tall enough to reach the table. Now, suddenly, they
are grown-ups. We can hardly believe our eyes.
“Children grow up so fast!” we exclaim.
Strangely, other people’s children seem to grow faster than
our own. We see our children every day, watching them move from one stage to
another. Their growth seems natural and gradual. With other children, we carry
an old picture in our minds. When we meet them again, the difference surprises
us.
Perhaps this is how we see more than just children.
We take a mental picture of people on a particular day and
frame it on the wall of our minds. We label them according to what we know
about them: their abilities, weaknesses, appearance, performance, position, and
limitations. Then we preserve that picture for years, sometimes for a lifetime.
The trouble begins when the person changes, but our
picture does not.
Of course, we have no such difficulty with our own
children. We want them to grow, achieve, become successful, and even go further
in life than we ever did. When our children become accomplished professionals,
travel to distant countries, gain recognition, or reach positions we could only
dream of, we are overjoyed. We proudly tell others about their achievements.
Some parents, however, seem to find an opportunity to talk
about their children in almost every conversation.
“My son is working in this country. His wife is in another
country. Their children are studying there. He has achieved this, and she has
accomplished that.”
Before long, an ordinary conversation becomes a
presentation of the family’s achievements. The listener may not have asked, but
the story continues.
Perhaps it comes from a parent's natural pride and love.
Sometimes, however, it may also be an attempt to affirm one's own worth through
the achievements of one's children. When we are not sufficiently secure in our
own identity, we may feel the need to keep reminding others of who we are
through the success of our families.
There is nothing wrong with celebrating our children. The
question is whether we can celebrate them without making every conversation
about them. Even good news, repeated at every opportunity, can become tiring to
those who have come to share a conversation, not attend a family achievement
report.
There is another side to this habit of framing people in
our minds.
A teacher remembers a student who was once an ordinary boy
in the classroom. Perhaps he was not particularly brilliant, rarely answered
questions, or struggled with his studies. Twenty years later, that student
becomes a successful entrepreneur, a respected professional, or an influential
leader.
You would expect the teacher to feel proud. Many teachers
do. But some may respond with surprise mixed with reluctance.
“He was never that talented when he was my student. I don't
know how he has become so successful!”
Think about it. The student has had twenty years to learn,
experiment, fail, improve, and discover his abilities. But the teacher's mental
picture has not moved an inch.
We know a person's past so well that we mistakenly
believe we know their limits.
This happens among former colleagues, friends, relatives,
and people who once worked with us. We may have known someone thirty years ago,
and we continue to judge that person by the same old standards. When they
develop new skills, move into a different field, or achieve something beyond
our expectations, we struggle to update our opinion.
Sometimes, when someone performs better than us or moves
from one organisation to another in search of new opportunities, we are quick
to find a weakness.
“He never stays anywhere. He is not committed to anything.”
Perhaps that person really is unreliable. Or perhaps they
are learning, growing, and exploring opportunities that we have never
considered. We may not know enough about their circumstances to make a fair
judgment, but our old picture is already ready with its labels.
When people no longer fit the image we have of them, we
sometimes try to reduce the person rather than enlarge the picture.
Not every change is progress, of course. People can make
mistakes, and fair criticism has its place. But there is a difference between
exercising discernment and refusing to recognise that another person has grown.
People are not photographs. They are living stories. They
learn, fail, recover, discover their abilities, and sometimes become people we
never imagined they could be.
Let us, therefore, be more generous in the way we see
others. Let us allow people to grow in our minds just as they are growing in
real life. We do not have to exaggerate their achievements or approve of
everything they do. We simply need to recognise that our knowledge of them may
be incomplete and our old impressions may no longer be accurate.
The next time we meet someone after many years, perhaps we
should look at them with fresh eyes.
And before we criticise someone, let us ask ourselves a
simple question: Have we invested even thirty minutes or an hour in that
person's life recently? Have we taken the trouble to understand their
circumstances, listen to their story, or discover what they have been through?
If we have not, perhaps we should be a little slower to judge.
We may have known them once. That does not mean we know
them fully today.
Seeing Beyond the Surface
This habit of preserving static mental
pictures stands in sharp contrast to how God sees us. Scripture reminds us: "Do
not judge by appearances, but judge with right judgment" (John 7:24).
Human nature naturally focuses on the outward surface—past mistakes, old roles,
and physical limitations—but "the Lord looks at the heart" (1
Samuel 16:7).
When we hold people to outdated
frames, we view them strictly "according to the flesh" (2 Corinthians
5:16). True discernment requires seeing beyond these external surfaces. As we
are renewed into the image of God, we begin to reflect His vision: looking past
labels, recognizing inner potential, and allowing others the grace to grow into
who God is calling them to be.
Let us stop framing people in the past and give
them room to grow in our minds.
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