Points2Ponder🎙: Breaking Marriages ?

Why Modern Marriages Break
More Than Ever Before?!

The Foundations We Forgot

Philipose Vaidyar

For centuries, marriages endured hardships that many modern couples would find overwhelming—poverty, wars, epidemics, and the pressures of traditional life. These unions were not perfect, but they were anchored by values that upheld commitment, sacrifice, and the willingness to grow together. Marriage was seen as a covenant, not a convenience. Families were imperfect, but stable; couples were flawed, yet determined.

Today, however, marriages are collapsing at a pace unprecedented in history. Even in cultures where arranged marriages once flourished, couples embraced the relationship with a sense of duty and responsibility. They adjusted, they learned, they endured. Mistakes existed, but perseverance prevailed.

So what changed?
Why does marriage struggle now—even with better communication tools, higher education, and more personal freedom?

The answer lies in the loss of several foundational pillars that once held marriages together.

1. From Covenant to Convenience: A Cultural Drift

As societies moved from agrarian → industrial → information → digital, people gradually began adding new personal, social, and economic expectations to marriage. These shifts did not change what marriage is, but they changed how many tried to interpret and integrate marriage within their changing world.

· Agrarian society: marriage was viewed mainly as a cooperative partnership for survival—shared work, shared land, shared responsibilities.

· Industrial society: stability, respectable family structure, and upward social movement became attached to marriage.

· Information age: emotional fulfillment, lifestyle compatibility, and personal achievement were increasingly emphasized.

· Digital age: individualism, comparison, instant gratification, career identity, and economic status began influencing partner choices and expectations.

As more of these evolving values were loaded onto marriage—personal branding, financial aspiration, emotional perfectionism, and competitive equality—marriage became more fragile. What was once a covenant supported by family and community quietly shifted toward an individual contract tested by performance and expectations.

2. The Copycat Problem: Imitating Without Understanding

Global media has exposed us to countless relationship styles. People began imitating other cultures without understanding their roots or values. Independence was copied without responsibility. Romance was copied without commitment. Freedom was copied without accountability.

Imitation without understanding produces confusion—and confused expectations destabilize marriages.

3. The Consumer Mindset: When Marriage Becomes a Product

In a consumer-driven world, everything is evaluated—benefits, features, upgrades. This mindset silently enters marriage:

“Is this person the best I can get?”
“Do they elevate my status?”
“If I’m unhappy, I can replace the relationship.”

People seek partners with better income, higher employability, and greater social value. Instead of complementing one another, couples begin to compete.

Competition is the silent killer of intimacy.
Marriage thrives on complementarity—not rivalry.

4. The Rise of Hyper-Independence: “I Don’t Need You”

Technological empowerment and economic independence have created a mindset that says:

“I am capable; I don’t need to adjust to anyone.”
“I can run a family without you.”

Healthy independence is good; hyper-independence is destructive.
Marriage requires interdependence—a willingness to lean on each other, support each other, and build together.

Two people insisting on absolute independence will eventually live emotionally alone, even while sharing the same home.

5. When Relationships Become Performances

Movies, serials, and social media teach people how to “act out” love.
Couples perform romance publicly but struggle privately.

Marriage is not:

a stage for society
a brand to display
a storyline to impress others

It is a daily, real, imperfect journey—one that demands humility, honesty, and emotional transparency.

6. Eros, Philia, and the Missing Agape

Modern relationships often begin with:

Eros – attraction or emotional excitement
Philia – friendship, shared interests, similar backgrounds

These are good beginnings, but not enough to sustain a lifelong relationship.

Marriage requires Agape—the sacrificial love that says:

“I love you despite your weaknesses.”
“I choose you even when it’s not convenient.”
“I am committed beyond feelings.”

Without Agape, marriages stagnate.
With Agape, marriages grow.

7. Leaving and Cleaving—Corrected and Balanced

“Leaving and cleaving” is one of the most misunderstood principles today.

The Bible says:

“A man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.”

This does not mean:

rejecting parents
cutting off family
isolating from community
living only for your children

Leaving means:

Leaving dependency, not relationship
Becoming emotionally and financially mature
Prioritizing the spouse without abandoning the parents

Cleaving means:

Forming a primary and loyal union
Creating unity, not isolation
Building a home together, not a fortress against others

Leaving does not reduce one’s responsibility to parents.
Honoring father and mother remains a command—with a promise attached:

“Honor your father and mother… that it may go well with you and you may live long on the earth.” (Ephesians 6:2, 3)

Yet many couples mistakenly isolate themselves, thinking privacy equals strength.
But a family built in a silo eventually becomes fragile.

Children watch.
The way parents treat their parents becomes the pattern the next generation repeats.

Input → Output.
What you sow is what you reap.

8. Living for Your Children—But Not Only for Them

Some couples disassociate from parents and community and focus solely on their children.
But this creates a cycle: children grow up learning to isolate, to ignore elders, and to avoid community.

And eventually, they will treat their parents in the same way.

Healthy families include children, parents, grandparents, and a meaningful connection to a wider community. Not interference—but involvement. Not control—but support.

9. The Misguidance of Modern Marriage Advice

Many contemporary marital advisors speak from:

personal opinions
untested theories
fancy ideas
selective psychology

This often results in unrealistic expectations and anti-family attitudes.

Wise counsel comes from:

parents
senior friends
mentors with proven marriages
spiritually mature leaders
community elders who know your life personally

Why avoid those who genuinely care, and run instead to distant voices with no stake in your future?

Real guidance requires real relationships.

10. No Marriage Can Survive in Isolation

A marriage cut off from parents, extended family, community, or fellowship becomes structurally weak.
Even a company cannot survive alone—it relies on hundreds of interdependent systems:

farmers
miners
factories
suppliers
transport
markets

If human organizations depend on interconnection, how much more a family?

Even the wedding ceremony itself is conducted publicly so the community can witness, support, and uphold the marriage.

Their role does not end with the event.
They are part of the ecosystem that nourishes the relationship.

Marriage may have privacy, but not isolation.
It needs the fabric, manure, and nourishment of family, community, and fellowship.

The Final Word: The Love That Holds Everything Together

At the core, marriages collapse today not because the institution has failed, but because our understanding of love has weakened.

Marriage is not sustained by compatibility, convenience, or chemistry.
It is sustained by covenant love—unselfish, enduring, and gracious.

The Bible provides the most powerful blueprint ever written:

“Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking…
It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:4–8

This is the love that makes a marriage last.
This is the love that strengthens families and societies.
This is the love that never breaks.